No Life
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: Drunk Haruka rambles about her life...OOC Haruka. Rated M for language...


No Life

_This was written by complete impulse. XD_

_I have nothing against Haruka-chan, but...it's kinda fun to write her OOC. _

_I never thought I would use the f-word in a Sailor Moon fanfic, either....X3_

_So....I DO NOT OWN SAILOR MOON ! Just my fanfic....;D _

* * *

I have no life.

Yeah, I may be saying this because I'm fuckin' drunk, but who cares ?

It's the truth, after all.

Why, you ask ?

Well, it's pretty complex. For starters, I am...Sailor Uranus. Everyone knows me better as Haruka Tenoh. Some people think I'm a man....maybe it's my haircut.

I never wanted to be tied into some kinda chain where I'm protecting a whiny crybaby that has meatball things stickin' out of her head.

But of course life never listens to you. It shoves you into a brick wall and makes you choke down your destiny, no matter how fuckin' screwed up it is.

And Usagi....well, Usagi may be sweet, and she may see good in everybody, even if you've murdered and chopped somebody up, but she's a total ditz. She's always depending on Mamoru. What the hell would happen to her if he died ? I mean, she _did_ do suicide once because of that, I've heard. And, of course, there was that _other_ time when he died, and she almost killed herself that time, too.

To tell you the truth, I don't think she'd survive very long if she didn't have a boyfriend. She'd fall off of a cliff pretty easily. She'd be shot by some damn maniac, and she wouldn't even know until she already died.

It's pretty sad. I know.

Anyway, back to me and my screwed up life. In our little chain, we have a whole bunch of senshi. First off, there's the Inner Senshi. I believe they have too much dependence on guys. (Except Ami, but that's because she's such a nerd...and Rei, who would rather date one of her crow friends than go out for a soda.)

But let's take the others as examples.

Usagi...we already know about her. Like I said, she wouldn't be able to survive very long without a guy.

Minako. To be honest, I hate her guts. Total_ bitch_. She's boy-crazy. Every single time she sees a boy, she drools on her desk. It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or not - she will drool, flirt, and show off her ass, which, may I point out, is as flat as a pancake.

And then there's Makoto. You know, I actually hate her less than Minako, and she may not drool every single time she sees a boy, but...the man-chasing disease is still there, so...yeah....

To be honest, I'm not sure where Chibiusa belongs, but I like her better than her mom, that's for sure. She can't make a good martini, but she _does_ play a good game of badminton.

Okay.

Let's move on to my group, the Inner Senshi. There are four of us - me, Michiru-chan, Setsuna, and Hotaru.

You already know about me. I'm drunk, and I'm a bitch with a boy haircut.

Hotaru is Sailor Saturn. I like her because she can destroy planets easily. That's pretty badass, so I give her three points. (Which is three more than Minako...)

Setsuna is Sailor Pluto. Eh, she's okay. She used to be cooler when she drank, but then she decided to get a job, and now she's almost as big a brainiac as Ami is.

Michiru.

Michiru is my woman. Anybody tries to take her away, and I will kick your fuckin' ass clear across my planet.

Michiru is Sailor Neptune. She's the only good thing of my life. She plays violin. She makes awesome cookies. And she has a good taste in lipstick. She's my yin to my yang. If I ever see her lock lips with another woman (or man, I guess), I'll kill myself. Maybe that's the alcohol saying that, but it doesn't matter. I'll stab. Stab the douche that took my yang, and stab myself.

Okay. Those are the main important senshi that I've told you about. There's also the three Lights, but I really could care less about them. _Fuck_ them.

All right. Let's continue with my depressing life.

There's this very annoying baby that belongs to my neighbor next door. Somehow I've been persuaded to take care of it six days out of the week. It's a little bastard. It's pissed on me three times. I feel like a cat sometimes. I'm always being abused by the thing. I get drunk once a week, and I used to lock the baby up inside my closet, but then I got in trouble by Child Services and I almost went to jail because of that.

Do you think my story is humorous ? Do you think it's so funny that you're going to piss your pants any second now ?

Shit. I think I pissed my _own_ pants right now. But that's probably the alcohol...

Anyway, I'm going to stop my memoirs for now. I'm too drunk, and I might pass out on the keyboard, and Michiru won't really be happy about that, so...

Wow. I expected at least twenty or so spelling errors, or at least vomit, but neither thing has happened. I think I finally have control over those two things.

Ooh ! I can finally work on driving while drunk !

_**" HARUKAAAAAAAA ! "**_

o.o Shit. That's Michiru. I better stop writing now....or she'll discover my plans...

(But of course I will follow them...as soon as I buy my next six-pack !)

End


End file.
